my long and (almost) never-ending journey towards self-love

Disclaimer: This article consists mainly of my own shower thoughts, things which life threw at me and many opinions which some people might find not interesting at all.

It is only right to start in the beginning and that is when I was born to a young couple one autumn day of 1995. My parents started dating when they were 17 (yeah, definitely not going to marry my boyfriend from when I was 17), got married at 22 (another thing I will definitely not accomplish this year) and had me- the most amazing person on this planet at 24. I was an only child back then and I might say- I really enjoyed it. In fact, I enjoyed it so much that my need to get all the attention has not changed even when my brother was born; the sudden sharing of everything I ever received with him was a pain in the ass and caused many scenes. And since then... I have a reputation of a selfish individual. 

But that's not really what I want to talk about today. Selfishness might be a bad thing and I might struggle with it to this day (guilty as pleased) but one thing I had the biggest problem with is the other side of "selfishness" which is the need for attention from others. When you're the first child, you suddenly realize that the parents somehow prefer the younger one more and you are the one who is the reason behind all the cries and broken toys. And that is what might have started all this struggle; me being shy to share my problems with others, cultivating all the bad stuff inside of me, feeling like nobody cares, feeling that all you do is wrong... The list goes on and on. And this issue is what I took with me throughout the rest of my childhood, my teenage years when I was feeling the most vulnerable ...even until now. So how do I fight it? What should one do to find the path towards self-love? 

As Rupaul says: If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? And that is the one thing I struggled with during the course of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend; not being able to love someone fully because you don't love yourself enough. Maybe that is why I feel like I am still not ready for a relationship and this realization was one of the reasons why I ended the relationship I had for almost two years this January.

It is a time when Tereza gets her shit together and starts with herself. Embraces the "selfishness" and listens to her gut. So I'm doing it! I'm finally able to talk to people openly about my problems. Having the "big talk" instead of small talk is the one way to go. If we start talking to people openly about what is on our mind, discuss problems or things that worry us, we are able to become much closer than if we maintained the casual how-is-the-weather-today-talk. Being able to open up to my friends about my problems is honestly helping me a lot because when someone listens to you, it feels 100 times better than eating yourself up with bad thoughts.

I'm only in the real beginning but believe me, I feel so much better when I can just focus on myself. Being able to unwind with yoga, meditation, a good cup of green tea, cuddles with my cat or finishing a really good book. Self-love is a whole big thing and everyone can think of it differently. The important thing is, that you feel it and that it makes you feel good!


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